How to handle meeting your adult child’s partner

Key points:

• Let your son or daughter break the ice — they can tell you more about their partner and you can avoid the pitfalls of arriving at a touchy topic
• If you’re protective of your son or daughter, don’t let that shine through or result in a confrontation — reach out and gently share your concerns at a later time
• If your son or daughter appears to be nervous, ask them leading questions that are not about their partner or the situation itself — allow them to interject

This edition of Your Retirement Living is about parents meeting their adult son or daughter’s new partner for the first time. Whether you’re nervous about what a parent might say and you need a guide to share with them or you don’t want to embarrass your offspring — this is a useful guide for ensuring that no family feuds or romantic quarrels arise.

Where should we meet?

If you’re making plans to meet a prospective partner of your adult child, it may be a good idea to include them in a routine family activity that you do on a weekly basis, such as trivia or going out to a familiar restaurant.

Not only will this reduce the number of uncertainties, such as a loud environment or bad food, but it will minimise the gravity of the situation. The emphasis will shift from a tense pending encounter to a normal get-together that your son or daughter is bringing someone along to.

However, if you’re looking for something more personable — speak one-on-one with your child over the phone and figure out whether they would be comfortable coming to your house.

If they do choose to come over to your house, it’s best to leave a good impression and not just for your own sake. Clean up any memorabilia or any visible sources of potential embarrassment, such as:

• Childhood photos
• Old wedding photos of the child with your previous partners
• Awards — medals, trophies and certificates
• Any suggestive things around the bedroom they grew up in, so to speak
• Contentious political knick-knacks or crude iconography

If you have been invited over to your child or their partner’s abode, make sure to pick up a friendly welcoming gift, such as a bottle of wine and speak fondly of the meal, drink or interior decor to put them at ease.

What do I ask and what should I talk about?

Use the information you have been told about your child’s partner as the roadmap for conversation, as venturing into uncharted territory could reveal some uncomfortable truths.

Ie. Asking what a person does for a living may force them to admit that they are currently looking for work or are employed in a job they consider to be embarrassing.

Similarly, you can use what the partner has to say about your child to communicate without embarrassing members of the family.

Ie. If the partner mentions that your son or daughter did ballet in primary school, then you have free reign to talk about that aspect of their childhood.

Remember — it doesn’t take crude humour to be funny. Remain on your best behaviour until you see an inroads if you feel the need to make a remark that could be construed as offensive.

Ie. Your child shares their hatred for a specific sports team and this does not garner a negative response from their partner — at that point, you can share your negative feelings about that team.

Am I allowed to make friends with my child’s partner?

You’re allowed to make friends with your child’s partner and it will ultimately help to strengthen your relationship with your child. If they are in a long-term relationship, making friends and staying on good terms with them will ensure that you see them more frequently.

However, when meeting for the first time, try to reign it in a bit and naturally show kinship based on your authentic personality. Trying to shoehorn points of commonality or feign interest in a topic of conversation may come off as embarrassing.

If, down the line, your child separates from their partner or you no longer see them together when meeting up, do not contact the partner until you can understand what may have happened. If the relationship ended on amicable terms — it may be socially acceptable to keep in touch on an infrequent basis, but generally, that’s where your friendship should end.

What are the next steps after meeting them for the first time?

So, you managed to get through it in one piece and you’re now left to reflect on the interaction. Now, it’s time to wait a few hours at least and a few days at most to get in touch with your child and let them know your thoughts and feelings about their partner. If they seem alright to you, make sure to express your approval in the strongest possible terms. However, if you picked up on something that you dislike or were concerned by, make sure to convey these thoughts through gently phrased questions:

Eg. Parent: “I really would have liked to hear more about your partner’s career goals — I felt that it was best to ask you instead, in case it would be embarrassing.”

What would you like to tell your child about their partner? What would you like your parents to know about your life? What happened when your parents first met your partner? Let the team at Your Retirement Living know.

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